obsessions.

Photo: Tracy L

‘But even if everything is perfect - God(or whatever) creates a masterpiece of a person,

parents and family nurture you, friends and schools cherish and cultivate you

- even if you’re on track to be blissfully happy and at peace,

something can happen, a big traumatic event and boom! -

and all the sturdy foundations are blown to dust and you’re suddenly someone else altogether.’

- Helen Fitzgerald

Lately I've been reconsidering the whole idea of love and emotions, the esoteric concepts of trust and faith and a word which meaning encapsulates the way you've been on my mind: obsession. I no longer know what is it, or more correctly why I long to have you, neither do I understand how you've taken authority in my head. Despite all the unknown, there is one thing I'm sure of, that I'll be eternally, royally and insanely fucked until the day I'm all out of emotions before I begin to be okay. In the dark and empty hallways of my mind, all the way at the end lies a storage full of thoughts - a collection of realities and truths only I refuse to coerce with - I've stored many things I dare not come into terms with - this is one of them. Maybe the harsh words you said were again out of a fit.

In the face of what things are, I hide behind sleeping pills and the transient refuge they provide, aware of how they can leave me more exhausted than they were intended to be, maybe there's some comfort in that too. The remaining hours I spend at heartstrings casino playing emotional roulette, placing all my chips on the the side that things may revert to as they were and you'd like me if things went back to normal. The wheel continues to spin as I ponder in futility if I made the right choice. Maybe you still think there's something to it that's not just platonic.

But ever so often I open that storage space and come face to face with the real world, and as long as we're in touch, it will always be day 0 of getting better. Maybe a part of you still cares.

Today is day 14 of day 0. Maybe it's time to step out of being deluded.