to let you go.

Photo: Tracy L

4:22am, the room lit only by the screen of my Macbook and a nightlight connected to the USB socket, quiet with silence screaming at me with the constant ringing in my ears, only to be sporadically broken by the cars driving by. The lines of whether it's my overthinking or anxiety that keeps me awake till sunrise have now blurred beyond recognition. Perhaps it's the way I'm wired -just a part of who I am- to have a strange but deep affinity with the dark skies, thunderstorms and some forms of sorrow. Yet, this sombre notion feels right at this hour, feeling blue comes with a heavy side of wallowing in self-pity when it is 3 in the afternoon and you're stuck in the chamber of a room knowing good and well the world goes on without skipping a damned beat regardless of how beatdown you feel. Today I decided to let you go, even though I've already lost you months ago. I finally told you most of why I can no longer keep this friendly facade going any longer. I don't think you'll fully understand, neither will you ever, though understandably so. A big part of me believes that you feel relieved, the last few messages in your farewell almost too eager, your final words of consolation felt like a giant sigh of relief. It's funny how the wheel of emotions play on people, for not too long ago, I believe you felt a kind of pain eerily similar to how I'm feeling now.

By now you have your own reasons why, as do I with my own ideas how it's a bunch of lies. You refused to believe my truth when I told you then, this time it's my turn to deny yours.