Trashy Beginnings

2017.

It was 4:21am, 12 days into January.

It was another routined sleepless night and as usual at this time I walk out to make a cup of tea. Just another night. Inside, there were no lights except for a little lamp left to me, no audible sounds but the shuffling of papers as I read Journey Under The Midnight Sun; one of the characters just got killed. Out in the kitchen, moonlight spilled from the windows but my ardent fear of the dark gave in this time around and I decided that it wasn't enough. No surprises there. Clawing the wall, I waited for the fluorescent light to flood the kitchen before stepping in, making sure my back was to the sink, never facing the entrance.

With practiced hands I prepared my non-alcoholic nightcap when a thought, like a flash of lightning striked in my mind. I'm twenty-fucking-one. I froze.

I may have disregarded the concept of time and believed that I could be a teenager forever, but the real world keeps tabs on this matter and will find ways to remind me how precious a currency youth can be, and maybe how much of it I have wasted. I guess I always thought of 21 as a shiny beacon, a sanctuary where only the brightest experiences await, like a birthday surprise. I think my fantasies began when I was 16, and all I saw was a distant tower. Every now and then I'll look up to see that tower, always ostensibly far away. That night, I blinked and I was right in that fortress absolutely unprepared. This golden tower turned out to be an empty shell.

But I think it's just my neurotic nature, this year has been so good to people around me. So many taking off in life, be it finding balance in the new swing of life or getting ready to jet off new beginnings. Maybe today's is just one of those days when 2am thoughts dragged out way longer than a lonely hour should. Maybe because all that mundanity of 2016, I'd get sucked into the hopeless romance that 2017 will be magically different. Maybe it was a bad choice to have caffeinated tea while hoping to sleep before sunrise. Sometimes bad vibes begets bad vibes. I'm positive this has caused me relationships with people I never wished to part with.

Of course, ideals are just reality waiting to happen, the potential of it waiting for its bearer to fulfill and we'll just have to do instead of wait. 'Stay hopeful while hustling,' I was once told a few times.

It is 4:23am, the unclosed fridge door beeped and I was in my kitchen again. I couldn't feel more lost in this spot I stand so routinely. The tea that day tasted exceptionally bland.

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