妈咪，我长大要赚很多钱

"妈咪，我长大要赚很多钱," loosely translates to 'Mum, when I grow up, I wanna earn lots of money.'

I was walking along the neighbourhood alone just now, on route to the nearest ATM to transfer money, the same path I sometimes walk with my mother to get supper in the middle of the night. As I began to walk home, after the transaction and two indomie cup noodles, I remember those walks to the food centre with mum and we talk often about my writing gigs and oddly or not - the future.

"In the future I want to stay in a super luxe condo, private mansion even"

'In the future I want to drive a Rolls Royce'

"In the future I want to be filthy, filthy rich"

It suddenly dawned on me the future that I speak about so indefinitely is within the cusps of time and I'm no longer 16. In fact, that was four long years ago and reality check: the countdown to my days as a non-teenager is now 00:00. Could it be that speaking about this non-stop has numbed my perception of time hence I think the future is so grand, bleak and far ahead, and that hey maybe my time to shine hasn't arrived yet. Wait a few years Neon, like those puberty videos you see on Facebook, your shiny beacon of hope and promise will hit you like a truck, a bullet train even.

I look back at the past five months and just five minutes ago - and the figures on my bank account- and realise the time to just dream is far over. It hit me how inactive I was in pursuing my goals and I've been spellbound by the dizziness of youth.

I often wondered if the quote went 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree,' then why does the tree of my ideals seem so far away, resembling more like a mirage in the scorching desert rather than an oasis that mirrors an attainable paradise.

It scares me that the future isn't so far away at all, and I'm struck frozen by the thoughts that I'll never reach where I intend to be; and I'm guilt stricken that I'm struggling to find the motivation to push forward fervently. It sounds cliché but the future is now; and for a minute I could understand Frank's innate fear of getting outta prison in the latest episode of How To Get Away with Murder, where Annaliese accurately surmised the motivations behind why Frank commit crimes even in prison - to get a longer sentence and run away from the real world.

As with other days, I sleep with fear, hopes and ideals in my head, and praying that I'll wake up the next day with that estranged drive and fire that once flooded my soul.